When I signed up for living oversees as a missionary, all I had was a job description and the knowledge that this was what God had for my life. The job description, however, was targeted more toward David. I think our job was actually for a single journeyman, and we had to get permission from the supervisors to come because the job said “no children”. The job description for the wife part was pretty generic, basically whatever ministry you can find – university work, children’s ministry, prison ministry, etc… So basically, I did not have a clue what I would be doing here. Only that I would be a mommy and wife and a “missionary”. My goal was to be “Super Mom!”
Now that I am here, I still do not have a clue what I am supposed to be doing here. I only know that I am mommy, wife, and “missionary”.
It is pretty daunting, really. Knowing that you have the job of being Super Mommy, Super wifey, and Super missionary all rolled into one. How on earth do you actually do that? I have never done these things before, let alone all at the same time.
At our company meeting last month, I got to meet some really great women who have the same roles that I do. With more kids. A whole lot more. Like, three and four more. Who seem to have everything all figured out. I wanted to hang out with them and learn as much as possible from them. Do you know what I learned? They really don’t have it figured out, either. Sure, they have ideas. But their main point was to fully rely on Jesus.
So, in fact, I can’t be super anything. Not without some serious help. Sunday school answer, I know. But oh so true.
I still really have no clue what I am doing. And that is frustrating. And depressing. Most days, I consider it a victory that I brush my teeth and get dressed that day.
Other days, I get the house cleaned, take the baby to play at the park, have a coffee with someone, and be home in time to cook dinner for David. Those days are few and far between. Let me tell you. That would be my dream day.
Right now, in my short almost nine months of living overseas, I have realized that it’s ok not to know what I am doing. As long as I know that I am a wife, mommy, and that I am supposed to share the Gospel with people. I have also learned that to be a good missionary, I have to be a good wife and mommy. That is my main ministry. That is where I feel God has called me first. And that will be true no matter where I am on earth.
What I do day to day might be different day to day. Some days, I go to the gym and have a coffee date with a friend. On those days, David and Gideon have daddy-son days. And I need to know that I need days like that. And I should not feel guilty. Other days, we stay at home and play in the morning, and in the afternoon we go buy supper or go to the park or go swimming. And I should not feel guilty for not meeting with a friend from Portugal. When people come over from game night, Gideon is getting big enough to play by himself. But when it is time for bed, I miss thirty minutes to an hour by putting him down to bed. And I should not feel guilty. I think that is my biggest enemy: guilt. I feel guilty so often for not doing everything, and often because of that, I end up not doing anything. (That is the depression rearing its nasty head…) There was a resounding theme with all of my friends last month: almost all of us feels like the worst missionary in the world. Or the worst mommy in the world. Or the worst wife in the world. Or, in my case, all of the above. But that is a lie.
No, I should not get complacent in where I am. I should always strive to be a better wife, mother, and share Jesus with as many people as I can. All too often, I find myself blaming other people or circumstances for my frustrations or about not learning language or not getting the house cleaned. But it is at those times, I realize that I am not where I should be with Jesus. I have not spent time reading the Bible that day. I have not sat down and prayed that day. I am at odds with my husband. That is when I feel lowest.
So, I guess those other women are right. I have to rely fully on Jesus. I am not a super mom.
So, you ask how you can pray for me? Just. Pray. Pray that I will be a great helper to my husband. Pray that I will show the love of Jesus to my son and tell him about Jesus at every opportunity. Pray that I will know when to open my mouth and tell people about Jesus. Pray that I will know when I need to step away from my child and have some “me” time. Pray that I will not be plagued with guilt. And mostly, pray that I will spend time in the Word every day. Also, can you let me know that you are praying for us? We love hearing back from people. How can we be praying for you?